The second girl I loved has now left me 3 days before my birthday, my heart is full of sorrow.

The world around me seems so bleak and empty.

I no longer have any reason to hang on to this mortal life.

No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

What is the use of living life for one moment longer if heartache and loneliness is all life has on offer.

Goodbye Cruel World.

Kyle Butler (1987 - 2006)

I was in the city the other day and while i was there I decided to go into JBHifi to buy the new Taste Of Chaos DVD. Little did I know, Mudvayne were doing a signing in there at the time. THe whole store was completely full of wanker mudvayne fans.

As soon as I walked down the escelators, I was bombarded by dickhead fans saying the usual "cry emo boy, cry". That dickhead Mudvayne fan that I see everywhere was there. They like to give me shit about what I'm wearing, but I saw one fucked up looking goth dude there wearing a top hat, a tool tshirt and painted upside down eye lashes under his eyes.

I just don't get why people have to constantly give me shit for the way I dress. Just because I like to show my feelings through my clothing.

My fucking god, Lisa can be so annoying sometimes. Most of the time she is great, but she never stops talking about how her ex fucked her around. Yet when I bring up about how Jess ripped my heart in two she doesn't seem to care.

She only seems to care about her own pain. Why can't she care about mine. I'm in dire need of someone's shoulder to cry on and sometimes I wonder if hers is the shoulder for me. I mean, she is great and all and I thought we were perfect, but she is no Jess.

Jess had it all. While Lisa is a close second, I can't stop thinking about what I lost with her.

Me and Lisa have so much in common, but I'm left wondering if having too much in common is a bad thing. Things do sometimes get boring and I feel more alone than I ever have before.

Lisa can just be too into her own issues. I don't know if I can handle someone that only cares about their own issues and not mine.

I miss Jess.

What the fuck ?!?

I can't believe AFI cancelled. When the fuck did this happen? How have I not heard about this.

I got my tickets the day they went on sale just so I can see AFI and End Of Fashion. Now End of Fashion is the only good band there.

And how can they replace him with Henry Rollins. They already had Iggy Pop, why do they need two old guys that look like they will drop dead on stage.

It must not have been very well advertised that AFI had cancelled. None of my friends even knew about it.

I got told today about Funeral For A Friend playing in March. I think I may have to sell my Big Day Out ticket and go to see FFAF instead.

Fuck. This really fucking sucks.

So for my New Years, Lisa invited me to her place to babysit her little shit of a sister.

We spent all night just sitting in her room listening to awesome emo music and talking about just random things. We have so much in common. We both hate wanker metal heads, we both hate stupid bitches with ug boots and all the fucking sheep that conform to the "supre" standard.

So just on midnight, she kisses me.

It was so unexpected. We spent the rest of the night making out and now we are a couple.

We are both so excited about going to Big Day Out and seeing AFI. It's going to be awesome.

I am so in love with her.

Christmas was even more pathetic this year than it has been previous years. There was one simple request I made to my stupid bitch of a mother for christmas. I wanted a PSP.

So Christmas morning came, I unwrapped her present and she got me a fucking DS. What the hell do I want with a DS. It's a toy made for whiney little children. Nintendo is well known for being a console for pathetic kids.

As soon as I saw it I threw the fucking box back at her. How can she not know me at all. She gets my stupid bitch of a sister what she wanted, but I was stuck with a fucking DS.

I had already bought a copy of Death Jr to play on the PSP when I got it.

FUck.

Will you stop prentending that you know how I am you fucking wanker. My dad died two years ago of Cancer and you are telling me to give him a hug. Go fuck yourself.

You are reading my journal, this is how I feel and what I go through. It's not fake, it's my place to vent and get out my feelings. Somewhere I should be free of assholes like you telling me that I need to stop being miserable. I'm miserable because all the people around me presume to know me and everyone treats me like shit.

My lifes fucked and everyone around it is fucked.

Well apart from Lisa who is absolutely awesome. She is maybe the only one who understands me because she is going through the exact same things as I am.

Well, I just spent the last two hours at the police station. Jess called the cops on me and they took me in for violating my restraining order.

I tried telling her that Dave was fucking other women and she thought I was bullshitting. Thought it was just another attempt to try and win her back. Dave is off fucking every girl in melbourne and she has no idea.

Fuck it. The bitch can get fucked if she is that fucking stupid.

I might give Lisa a call tomorrow. Find out what she thought of the Used. I think I've wasted enough time and energy trying to get through to Jess.

Well, last night was Taste Of Chaos and it was so fucking awesome. Well, awesome apart from that wanker Dave sitting next to me. The whole night he was going on about all these girls he's sleeping with on the side. I wanted to beat the crap out of the prick.

He is openly cheating on Jess. I don't know why he was bragging to me about it. I'm going to go over to Jess' house later to tell her all about it.

Well about the bands. Killswitch Engage were fucking pathetic. Fucking metal wankers. Every other band was absolutely amazing. The Used were so good live. I felt like the whole time they were singing to me. I was connected to them on such an emotional level.

I spent all night trying to find out which hotel the used were staying at. I must have tried every hotel in the city, but I couldn't get any information, so I wasn't able to meet them :'(

Next time.......

Well, I'm off to Jess' house to tell her all about Dave's fucking every chick on the planet. After she finds out, maybe she will get back with me.

I ran into one of Jess' bitch friends today. She is such a stupid fucking whore.

Aparently Jess bought a ticket for taste of chaos off a friend, then gave her ticket to Dave. So now Dave has the seat next to me. What the fuck am I going to do. It's not like I can take a knife in there to protect myself.

This wanker is going to ruin my whole night. This might be my only chance to see The Used play live and this fuck might ruin my entire experience.

I just heard the line up for big day out. There are so many crap bands there, but I don't care about that shit.

AFI and End Of Fashion will be there. What the hell is Iggy Pop doing. I thought that guy would have been dead like 10 years ago. Why the hell do they want old farts like that doing the big day out.

AFI should be the headliners of the festival. Definately better than any of the other crap on the lineup. White Stripes and Franz Ferdinand are total shit.

Been a while since my last update. My mum caught me cutting myself, so the bitch put me in rehab.

She thought that two weeks in rehab would help me to get over Jess. What the fuck does she know. Jess is my life. No amount of time talking to doctors about my problems will ever get me over her.

Although I did meet another cool girl while I was in rehab. Her name is Lisa. She was in there for pretty much the same reason as me. Her parents don't get her. She listens to all the bands I listen to. If I can't win Jess back, I think I might have to settle for her.

No idea what is going on with Jess and Taste Of Chaos. I hope she is still sitting next to me. It could be my last chance to win her back. I guess if Jess doesn't go, I will meet up with Lisa.

Jess's fucking friend Rachel was the bitch that spiked my drink. What a fucking mole.

Aparently she wanted payback for the hell that she thinks that I've put Jess through. Jess has put me through hell, I haven't done anything but love her.

I wish she would mind her own business. The problems me and Jess are going through are for us to sort out, not for her immature friends to get involved with. They dont know me. They don't know the pain and suffering that I'm going through.

Lately I've been feeling so close to the edge.

No one seems to understand me at all. I try to explain to people what I'm feeling and what I'm going through and they just don't seem to care. They tell me to move on, seek help, get a life, etc.

I had a life. With Jess everything was so perfect and great. I just want that feeling back.

I went to that stupid fucking party last night. About half an hour after i got there, some fucker drugged me. I remember having one vodka cruiser, then feeling all fucked up.

I woke up this morning, half naked in the fucking dog kennell.

I asked Eric what the fuck happened and he claimed that he had no idea. He's supposed to be my friend and doesn't even look after me when I'm fucking drugged.

I asked around and no one seems to be able to tell me who fucking drugged me. Fucking arseholes.

I went to the police station, but they said they can't do shit about it. That's the last time I go to a fucking party with Eric.

Eric invited me to some stupid party that's on tonight. He thinks it will be good for me to go to get my mind off things. I'm sick of him trying to analyse me. Fucker thinks because he has studied 1 year of psychology he knows how to pick me apart and tell me what I should do with my life.

I really don't think I will ever be able to get my mind off how Jess has hurt me.

I bet this party is really fucking crap. Probably be full of stupid bitches that listen to R&B and wear ugg boots. I don't get how those stupid moles follow the latest fad. Wear and listen to what they do because it's "trendy".

It really fucking annoys me.

That Stupid fucking bitch, Jess, put a restraining order on me.

So now I'm not allowed withing 100 metres of her at any time. How the hell am I supposed to win her back now if I can't see her.

I feel like my life is over. Jess was my whole world.

We were supposed to be going to Taste Of Chaos together. We have seats right next to each other. There is no way in hell I'm going to miss out on seeing The Used because of a fucking restraining order.

My mate Eric came over the other day. He's studying Psycology at uni. Stupid bastard thinks I need professional help. Been mates with him since we were 8, but sometimes he's fucking clueless. I don't need help, I need Jess back.

I went into the city today with my class. We went on an excersian to Federation Square to check out the art gallery.

There was some pretty nice artwork there.

On the way back to the train, some homeless guy stopped me on the street. He asked if I can spare him some change. Fuck that guy. He thinks he's the only guy with problems. If he wants to get off the street get a fucking job, or go back to school and get centerlink payments.

Why the fuck should I feel sorry for someone that can't get his own life figured out. I've got my own things to worry about.

Jess threatened me with a Restraining Order. I remember seeing this shirt that read "restraining orders are just another way of saying I love you". Maybe I should buy that shirt. I know that she does still love me. Dave must have told her to threaten me with it. I'll show him.

my life is like an empty vessel
cut up and left alone to die
I think of you always, my beautiful jess
while I sit here in my room and cry

you are the girl of my dreams
my heart bleeds for you
for the colour of my soul
is all murky and blue

Seems like those dick heads have finally stopped messaging me. They thought they were so cool giving me shit, but they are too scared too actually sign up for a journal account and give me shit. They can only do it anonymously.

The teacher at TAFE was being such a bitch today. I was painting this picture of a Jess frozen inside a block of ice in the center of hell. It was meant to signify her cold heart and how it makes me feel, but the bitch didn't understand it.

What is there to understand. Jess is destroying my soul and I feel like I'm in Hell. That's what the picture means.

At least Kelly understood the picture. Kelly is kinda cool. She would be alot better if she didn't listen to crap bands like Muse, Queens Of The Stone Age and Interpol.

I'm sick of your shit.

This is my journal. I've blocked anonymous posting, so only people with Livejournal accounts can post on here.

So feel free to make a journal, then I can come and bag you out on yours.

Wankers